About a girl

Awkward

Tic toc tic toc, I can hear the clock ticking, its already morning but I feel like I haven’t slept at all “please don’t ring.. Please don’t ring”
But it rang, earlier than expected, there goes my heart.

“Hello?” I can hear the breathing from the other line, it feels strange, I feel scared at the same time anxious.

It’s as if this is the first time this has ever occurred, but its been like this for the past 10 years.

“Ready? I’ll come pick you up” surprising me, I didn’t know what to say, “No, wait, mom will send me to school today.” What? Mom is not even home today, or is she?

“Ok Bei, see you there”

Its always the same cold tone of the other line I hear. That lonely tone that means the other person from the other line is gone.

It’s like going deaf in the middle of trying to hear something really important, but you cant, you got cut off out of someone’s life its weakening.

Heart breaking, it makes me feel like crying.

How did we end up like this? It’s strange but it wasn’t like this until yesterday afternoon.

Confession (a day before)

I’ve always been an admirer of him, he was my brothers best friend, his name is Mike. We call him I.C. for some deluded reason but it makes sense since his as cold as ice and there’s no way to break in.

But I’ve always liked him for that, I feel as though I’m destined to be the one who sends him free of his cold emotions and be the warmth he needs to be able to change.

But he only sees me as my brothers little sister, he always teases and plays with my heart. But it only makes me like him even more, I guess that’s Icy’s hidden charm, no matter how cold hearted or bad he looks to others, there’s always this sad look on his face which melts everyone’s heart to tiny bits of sweet melted chocos.

But I never had the courage to tell him how I feel about him, I guess I have my own issues, but I can’t be with someone who can’t like me in return. A one sided relationship just wont be enough for me, nor for him, so I just decide to stick to what we have and deal with it.

But I never thought a day like that would come.

“Bei… I like you…” Or so you thought, it wasn’t him who confessed to me,

It was a class mate of mine who is fairly good looking, fairly fair in everything, his name is Jerrod.

An average normal looking, not so outstanding boy without any issues what so ever, but he likes me and I appreciate it really, but all of my friends are chattering about it behind me where I can hear them and so can he.

How can I say no to him with all the hyped people waiting for a response I may never say?

I’m not even sure if I like him, or should I give him a chance, instead of hoping for the impossible, waiting for a boy who may never fancy a girl who’s his best friends little sister?

“I..” I couldn’t say anything but outside our class’ as a familiar figure staring at me with a look that I have never seen before vanishing slowly moving away

“icy…” Was it him I thought, his eyes were different, they were not the gentle kind he always had, it was… Frightening…

“I..” I looked over at Jerrod again as he had that hopeful face, it was kind and inviting, it could be the face of someone I could love.

But I’m not on the right emotional state to give him a response he might like seeing as to I’m still entangled by Icy’s cold heart.

“Can I have more time… to think about it…” I finally said, I thought he would be mad but instead I receive a smiling face

“Its okay Beverly, I can wait”

It was so warm and kind, that smile, but it would be much sweeter if it was a smile from Icy, but never did I see his smiling face.

Its either always blank or depressed, I’ll work hard on making him smile like Rod does.

It was the talk of everyone, how I was asked out by Rod, the fairly average boy in everything, but what do I know about him aside from him asking me out?

Who is this boy anyway?

SUMMER ’05 (the beginning 4 years ago)

Fall and bleed

Summer of 2005, the sun was high and the ocean was as wide as the world, I could almost smell the hot summer winds that blows on my face, it was summer and I was ready for the world!

“Bei! Come over here!” My brother, he was so happy about this trip that I couldn’t turn him down, but I guess it has its benefits, I get to see the beach with my friends, that’s more than enough.

“Bei, food? Come eat already!”

“I’ll be right there June!”

He is always so demanding and over protective, I feel like he is trying to be dad, but he can never be dad.

Our father passed away when I was 5 and Junie was 7, he died o a sudden car accident, incidents where in one driver was drunk, either my dad or the truck driver, but one things for sure, a life that is lost can never be replaced.

“Hey, foods getting cold.” The sound of the footsteps on the sound, almost unnoticeable but it nice to hear too, from time to time.

And so there’s Mike, Michael Cole, despite being the same age as he is, I feel as though he is older than both me, and my bother.

My brother is just a goof ball, always, always immature. But I guess that’s his best asset, he is care free and always positive, no wonder girls like him, but Mike, he is quite the opposite.

He has been friends with my brother since he was 3, and somehow I grew up watching them, he was always sad and serious, he never jokes around and never shows warmth to anyone, Mike has always been a mystery to me, but he is always nice to me, I guess he considers me as his sister too, I am his best friends little sister anyway.

“Hey wait up!”

I’ve always seen him as big brother, though he doesn’t know of it, I’ve always been watching him on class, how he recites, how he interacts with people, but I guess he is doing the same thing, always watching after me, catching me if I fall, I cant help feel guilty most times, but I guess its just how things are.

I never thought I’d trip that day, and though I knew I’d be saved, I never thought I wasn’t, willing to be saved, my guilt attacks me like uncontrollable blood flowing out of my body, like unavoidable word vomit, I hurt him.

I tripped, and he run back for me, But I cant just always rely on him on too many things, I didn’t know what to do.

“Bei, you okay?”
I dunno what’s gone into me that day, either the heat or the change of environment, but I think I pushed him away, unintentionally.

“Don’t touch me!” I yelled those words holding a wound that was non existent, my chess, it was pounding faster and faster, I didn’t know what to say, how to face him, I couldn’t breath from the shock.

Or was I expecting to much, did I trip on purpose to see if he would come? What was I doing? What is this weird sensation?

I would never forget his face that day, it was shocking for both me and him, he was scared, same time afraid, he had such a worried look then he just turns away the next second. “Suit your self”

The first time he turned away and the first time I yelled at him like that.

Seven Minutes in Paradise Island

I was always the talk of everyone, I dunno if I was just jinxed by God, or if its just my fate to be talked about for others amusement.

“Beilee! Were going on the cruise tonight, you wanna come.”

Seriously Junie, are you kidding me? I can’t go there with what had happened, I hurt Mike.

“You should go, I’ll stay” Mike said.

Who was he kidding? What is he trying to prove now, wait; it’s not like him to speak like that.

“Actually, I will go, and I don’t care if you’re there if that’s what you’re really implying.”

I have a feeling that he is doing this to tease me, but why is he doing it, the reason, I will never know.

“I’ll go then” He replied “Who would wanna miss a once in a life time cruise eh?”

“No” Oh crap, did I just say no?

“Did you just say no?” No I didn’t!!

“NO!” I can’t stand him “Stop confusing me Mike!”

Just imagine him saying that in a completely serious tone, serious tone meaning you could almost hear a flat line in the end.

“Know what, both of you kids are gonna stay here in the villa” June decided all by himself, in his very immature head.

“What?” Surprisingly both Mike and I said the exact same thing on the exact same time.

“Until you settle it, what ever it is that is going on between you two, you’re gonna stay here.”

It’s not like my brother to say things like that, but I think he’s cooking something up “What are you up too June?”

I seriously wanted to hang him, but since people were looking I said that in the mature most manner I could, threatening with my eyes and sinking him down with my sharp words.

“I better go” He said that as fast as he could closing the door behind him, he left me with Mike, I cant bare the silence of the room so I decided to leave.

But as predictable as my brother’s head is small, he has done it, this was the last draw!

“Locked?” I tried opening it with all my strength but no, he locked us pretty good, I wonder how he did it.

“What are you so nervous about?”
But standing behind me leaning his hand over the door to keep him balanced was Mike, he was staring at me differently as I moved away trying to normalize my pulse rate.

“I’m not nervous, I’m just…”
Strangely he started laughing as he lay on the bed as if he is amused by everything.

“What are you laughing about Mike?” It’s strange, and its nothing like I’ve ever seen from him before, I thought I’d be mad, but I was amused, and it got me to stay near him again, so I sat on the other side of the bed.

“Mike” He said, and what he meant by that I will never know, even up to until now.

“Tell be Bev, how long have we known each other?” So were playing a game now?

“Since were three” and his point exactly?

“Right that makes it twelve years” He giggled “And yet you still fear me like that, don’t worry I wont do anything to you”

I dunno what he meant by that either, but I liked the view of a laughing Mike.

“Why don’t you call me I.C. ?” He suddenly asked out of the blue, to be honest I never really thought of calling him that from the very beginning, its like an insult, its not his name.

“I just thought only your closest friends all you that…” He suddenly sat up and looked straightly at me and said “Don’t ever think that Bev, you’re closer to me than you know” he continues as he laid on bed again.

“Call me I.C. I’ll like that.” Was he serious?

“Icey huh? Like Ice?” I laughed a little by the thought of it, but he is like ice “Yeah like ice” I feel as though he was almost asleep and I was right.

“Icy…” I kept on mumbling his name while staring at him, his sleeping face was nice to see, it was kind and warm unlike his cold stare, it was heart warming and comforting, it drawing me close and close into his soul that it came to the point that I was leaning to close already so I pulled away, but it was like magnet, drawing me closer and closer.

His lips looked soft and his nose was just right, his hair was covering half his face and his eyes were wide open.

WAIT, open?


“what are you looking at? Aren’t you a little close?”

He shocked me? Was he faking asleep this whole time?

“Well, well..”

I had to turn away as quickly as I can but he grabbed me, “Don’t worry, I wont tell anyone…” He said as he gave me a smile, it was a smile, he was getting closer and closer, its as if he is gonna give me kiss, kinda like in one of those love stories, but this is Icy were talking about here, what will happen next I dunno, but I guess I have no control over my body and would eventually just give in to his will.

I don’t remember anything happening after that, but I do remember waking up in my room, I wonder if its just a dream I made up with my mind or was I drugged?

I don’t remember drinking anything, but it sure was a dream to see a smile from Icy.

Waking up from that unrealistic semi romantic slash erotic dream I was quite energized, and it seemed like were okay now, Mike and I.

“Hey bev”

It was almost time to go home when he cornered me and told me something.

“It’s a secret” He said that on the most serious tone ever

“Call me Icy, that you should never forget” Wait what is he, it wasn’t a dream?

“Icy what the heck is going on here?!”

What ever happened that night, I will never know, but I hope its not that bad, but what’s bad about a smiling Icy?


A perverted icy? NONONONO!

But If theirs something I realized that summer, its that I like Icy more than I think I should, I sometimes feel he does too, but there’s no proof other than a crooked dream to prove it.

Trapped In a Haze (day beforeafter the confession)

Being confessed to is like a never ending dream of question and answers, I was bothered by it the whole day, seeing icy with that frightening look and carrying hopes of an entire class, awaiting for that answer, yes or no, us or go.

Simple questions with simple answers, but as tough as a storm where you find your self in the middle stuck in your own cloud of thought, doubting, if you even trust your self well enough, to come up with a response that everyone can deal with.

What can a clueless 18 year old girl do anyway?

Its not like I’ve never dated before, I’ve had a few people on the long list of unwanted memories, but I find my self more confused than ever, and I dunno what to do, or how to react to other emotions anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me, or did it just mean for me to end this way, miserable and lost.

“I honestly wish I knew what to do” In a sea of people I wish I was the one that no one would see, but I end up being the only one everyone ever see’s so I hide on my sanctuary.

It’s a secret garden located at the back of our High school, I’m the only one who knows of this place, its silent and peaceful, I feel as though that in this garden, everything is possible.

“Old habits are hard to beat eh?” That voice sounds oddly familiar, but it’s the least I expect.

“What are you doing here?!?!” I reacted quite violently, but its his fault, freaking me out me like that.

“Sheesh sis, its not like I’m here to make you feel worst, your brothers here to lend a shoulder” He sat beside me while I was still sulking.

“I guess you heard already” The weather man said it was gonna be sunny, but it looks like a storm is coming.

“With the way they gossip about you, the news outta reach your brother too you know.” I knew it, he came here to celebrate upon my dispense.

“Stop it Junie” I feel like crying “Can I borrow a shoulder?”

“That’s what I came here for” I know he is goofy most times, but I just need my brother at that moment.

“Do you like this boy that much” he asked me

“No.” I paused for a moment and continued “To be honest I only just knew about him this very day”

“Then just say no to him” My brother quickly replied “I’m sure there are better matches for you like…”

He stopped all of the sudden but he didn’t continue. “Like who June?”

“Nah, I’m just thinking too much, you know your brother.” He was obviously hiding something I didn’t know.

“Spill it” I feel as though my sadness, turned into anger, which was a good thing, cause I hate my brother more than anything in this world but still love him equally, if you know what I mean.

“Well, it is a secret.” That sounds oddly familiar. “What secret are you talking about? SPILL IT!”

I can almost choke him, but I didn’t wanna cost any ruckus, “Ok, ok, I’ll tell, remember when we went to I.C. Villa?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Is he telling me something that I wanna hear? “After leaving the villa I forgot my keys, and I left it on that room, but it was locked pretty good”

“You mean the room where you left us?” So it wasn’t a dream?
“yes that room, so I had to scale the roof to get into the window, and found I.C. almost kissing you so then bam your brother goes to the rescue.”

Is that what happened? “Kiss me? So you think he likes me?”
My brother pondered for a second there look at me then looked away, he was still keeping something. “Why, what’s wrong?”

“Well I’m not really sure if I.C. likes you, but I’ll be okay with it if you two end up with each other.” Typical brother answer but his eye is shifting to fast.

“You’re still keeping something, what happened after that? I couldn’t remember anything at all.” He was really avoiding the topic. “TELL ME!”

“OK, I’ll tell you since you’re so eager to know, being your brother, I was shocked by what I saw so I grabbed a stick and tried hitting Icy with it, but I missed and hit you instead, which explains the you not remembering anything part.”

“Are you kidding me? Things like that really happen on real life? Wait, so that’s why I had a bump on my head the next day, I did wonder where that came from.”

He was shaking out of fear, but its not him I’m mad about, its Icy having known that those things really did happen made me so furious at him, but it gave me great joy to know that that smile was really meant for me, and that its real, and was not a dream.

“I’ll be right back!” my brother was somewhat confused but what just happened.

“So does that mean I wont get beat up? Ok see yah later sis.” I’ll get him next time, but thanks to my idiot brother, I got to know the missing piece that has been bugging me for the last four years.

And it really did happen; now I have to make things clear after four uncertain years.
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